6 Ways to Improve Couples' Communication

One of the most difficult situations to work with as a psychologist is when couples are colliding. In this type of counseling session, each word of one person is almost equivalent of a "bomb" to the other. For example, she will say, "You did X," and he responds, "You are a liar." Then she begins to recite the specifics of the incident, and he says, "You are here to tell the truth."

And so it goes. Personally, one of these sessions is very draining and may seem like it will never end to a third party such as myself. However, there are six steps you can follow to improve your communication.

1. Avoid Offensive Language

This step seems obvious but it is surprising how many couples will shout profanities at each other and not blink an eye. Also, terms such as "liar," "tell the truth," "you're against me" and others are nearly instantaneous fire starters in such sessions.

2. Speak with the other in mind

I have been accused of speaking like a psychologist whenever issues get difficult in my house. What do I do? Simple. I soften my voice, lower the general volume, and make sure I am not "toning" to any participants. I also work to remember that I will likely be married to my wife tomorrow so I work not to say things that I will have to pay for on the morrow. Try them. These steps will reduce fighting times.

3. Don't accuse or blame

It is extremely easy to fall into statements like, "You didn't do.." in an argument. Avoid using "you" in such situations because it almost immediately causes defensiveness. Much better if you use, "I feel upset when we argue about these things" or similar phrasings. Look up assertion training and use their verbiage.

4. Be aware of non-verbal communication

I've had too many men (in particular) who enter their house and are totally unaware that they have a scowl on their face. This type of non-verbal communication leads others into misinterpretation of you. Also, in conflicts, keep your distance. If you break into people's personal spaces or touch them, you are likely to get an eruption.

5. Monitor Your Level of Anger

In our family conflicts (I'd like to say conflagrations), we must keep a watch on our tempers. If our tempers get too hot, we all say and do things we shouldn't. By keeping a lid on it, you can avoid tremendous negative escalations in your relationships.

6. Back Away

The old tried and true is still important. If the argument gets too hot, walk away. Walking away gives individuals a chance to relax, calm down and think rationally. Taking a break for 20 minutes to one hour is a good amount of separation time for hot topics.